I've come to the conclusion that mother nature has a sadistic sense of humour when it comes to sexual satisfaction. It's also evident that she's definitely not a feminist or an egalitarian, nor does she care about a woman's ability to orgasm. If she did, men wouldn't be inclined to ejaculate within the first 5 minutes of sex while women typically require 15-20 minutes or more.
Clearly, men and women are operating at different ends of the spectrum and this has been the case for most of history. We may not like to admit it but when you empower one group, you inevitably disadvantage another. It's unrealistic for women to expect men to deny their sexual urge to orgasm in the attempt to please them first. And why would we unless required to do so? Of course this doesn't apply to every man, but collectively, we're simply not wired that way.
The right to vote, join the army, serve on a jury, use contraception, abortion, sue for sexual harassment, keep your own money, even get a credit card or a business loan are all 'rights' that women had to fight for and were not freely given. So women, if you want your sexual needs met beyond the bare minimum, you're going to have to set the bar and establish a new sexual paradigm.
I spoke about this in The 33 Laws of Attraction for Women ebook:
Set The Sex Bar
Reduce the likelihood of bad sex by making sure a potential partner is aware of what you're looking for from early on. Communicate this clearly in a manner that says - if you're not able to meet my desires and are indeed full of shit, now is the time to let me know because I want nothing less than mind-bending orgasms that leave me wet for days.
This is a very effective way to filter out the men who are easily intimidated, immature, egotistical, full of bravado or not open-minded enough to appreciate a woman who isn’t afraid to assert herself sexually. A secure, open-minded sexually evolved man will value your ability to speak your mind rather than attempt to slut-shame you for being honest and direct.
(Full eBook available here)
To expand a little further, this is really about taking responsibility for your sexual fulfilment and making your expectations known from early on. This isn't about what men do or don't do in the bedroom, this is about what you are prepared to tolerate.
As the quality of life improves across the globe more people are able to have their fundamental needs met. Now we're able to address issues further up Maslow's hierarchy of needs such as hot steamy passionate sex and mutual satisfaction.
But as we become more empowered and conscious of these desires, modern life picks up where mother nature left off. Stress and tiredness, work commitments and lifestyle, food and alcohol, drugs and porn, the decline in men's testosterone levels, the feminisation of men and the masculinisation of women - none of which is conducive with a healthy rampant sex life.
Yes, it's official, we're having less sex and we're becoming accustomed to the 10-minute roll-on, roll-off.
"Only 20% of couples regularly have sex for longer than 15 minutes. With the remaining 80% the time of sex is on average less than 15 minutes. The following table shows the percentage of people compared to the average time they have sex." onaverage.co.uk
This is what some Glamour readers had to say when asked about their sexual preferences in the bedroom.
"I can do it in the space of a TV ad break and get off. People think, 'Urgh, that's terrible, over so soon', but it's because we know exactly how to get each other off. I know his buttons, he knows mine - why wait?"
"There's no need to draw it out. A boyfriend once tried to see how long he could last in one session. He went at it for over 45 minutes, but it stopped being really pleasurable for me after about 5. I hit a wall where I'd come and nothing was gained by more thrusting." Zara, 31
"I like to finish feeling satisfied - probably because an ex-boyfriend would come after only 3 or 4 thrusts, every time. I remember we had sex 5 times one day, just so it collectively added up to the passionate experience I craved." Fay, 27
"After 20 minutes all I'm thinking about is how sore my vagina's going to be tomorrow. I try to avoid really drunken sex because of how long it can take us to come." Grace, 28
Interestingly enough, this is typically what you'd expect to hear from men. Sex should be intuitive, rhythmic and responsive but these women appear to have adopted more of a utilitarian approach because that's what they have come to expect. It's seems to be about achieving orgasm as quickly and efficiently as possible whilst the opportunity presents itself.
We all contribute towards this trend on a societal level but if we intend to improve our sex lives beyond the mediocre, it's our individual responsibility to address it. Once you've experienced mind-blowing sex, it automatically raises the bar and recalibrates your sexual expectations.
In my experience, once a woman is fully aroused in the company of a man who knows how to please, their sexual appetite is literally boundless - insatiable. Hour after hour, orgasm after orgasm, I'm yet to meet a woman who would say no to another, even at the risk of a sore pussy and a slight limp the following day. The more women who raise their levels of expectation and communicate their desires clearly, the more you'll be able to separate the men who really care about your sexual pleasure, from the ones who don't.
The new sexual paradigm requires both parties to be invested in mutual sexual satisfaction otherwise they risk being screened out and sidelined. The new sexual paradigm means a partner's pleasure is a priority, not a by-product. The new sexual paradigm requires both partners to invest the time and energy to learn how to please each other. The new sexual paradigm means that sex should be able to last as long as both partners desire without the need to rush to secure an orgasm before uncontrolled ejaculation and loss of erection.
Women, I'll tell you this as a man who loves being a man with all that it entails - you can't rely on men as a group to adopt this approach because many of us are content with the status quo. We're not going to collectively wake up one day and say... "Actually, your orgasm is just as important, if not more so than my own and I'd love to learn how to please you in ways you've never imagined."
It's not going to happen and why would it? It doesn't serve the male imperative for survival and that's all mother nature is concerned about. That's not to say that men are to blame, because it's not about blame, it's about women taking control and making your level of expectations known which is probably more difficult than it sounds.
Facing these hard truths can cause problems in relationships or stop them from even getting off the ground in the first place. It can cause loneliness and frustration as you rule out potential partners who are otherwise well suited on paper. It can cause long term relationships to fracture as one partner may struggle or be unwilling to meet the new level of expectation, and is it even fair to require them to do so in the first place if that's not what they signed up for?
But when we trade passion for comfort after having experienced the intense high of true sexual satisfaction, it can be a difficult pill to swallow. I think a scholarly rewording of this famous quote by Alfred Tennyson aptly sums up the point:
"It's better to have experienced mind-blowing orgasmic sex and lost, than to never have experienced it at all."
Perhaps not as poetic as the original, but the sentiments are true never the less. Ignorance may be bliss, but in this case, it can also be extremely boring and sexually unsatisfying. It doesn't have to last forever to be beautiful and it's perfectly realistic for desires to change as we evolve. Choosing the right partner is always going to be tricky but the better we know ourselves, the more informed choices we can make along the way.
A new sexual paradigm is needed on both sides of the fence and men should be just as clear and decisive when it comes to letting women know what they expect. The balance is created when both men and women are empowered to mutually raise the bar with a desire to give just as much as they receive. Now that's a recipe for hot sex.
Peace & love,