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Yes, we're officially having less sex! But in an age where we are more sexually liberated than any other time in history, this seems rather odd doesn't it? This is the age of Tinder and 'instant hook-ups' where the apparent epidemic of casual rampant sex threatens to ruin the very fabric of society as we know it.
Well according to a tonne of research by the likes of The British Medical Journal, The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles and a slew of other surveys, polls and articles that's not the case at all; in fact, sexual interactions seem to be on a downward trend.
- Apparently, nearly a third of men and women have not had sex in the past month based on a survey of 34,000 people over a 21-year period.
- Over-25s and couples who are married or living together account for the biggest falls in sexual activity during this time.
- Less than half (41%) of people aged 16 to 44 have had sex at least once a week in the last month.
- The average number of times that 35 to 44-year-olds reported having sex in the past month fell from four to three among men and from four to two among women.
This is bad news for humanity, bad news for men, and an absolute travesty for women. When mother nature or whoever it is up there decided to create mankind they gave men superior strength and women received the power of sexuality. So then begs the question - what the fuck is going on? (Or not, as the case may be.)
As with most things in life, the answer is not simple and there are a number of contributing factors that merit consideration.
Lead researcher Prof Kaye Wellings commented that the "sheer pace of modern life" may be a reason why many people are having less sex. These are men and women who are often juggling work, childcare and responsibilities to parents who are getting older."
I don't think we need a professor to tell us this but the reality of 'modern life' will vary based on the individual so what are the possible factors that are killing our sex drive overall.
Many use the all too familiar mantra of "I'm too busy" as shorthand for "I'm an over-worked, over-stressed and under-sexed member of my tribe working every waking hour with very little time for anything that doesn't constitute a national emergency."
In modern-day life, many relationships tend to function as a convenient mechanism to help cope with the stress of parenting and the financial burden of 'living'. It's the never-ending pursuit of the ever-elusive dangly carrot as life whips our arse along the beaten path.
We're tired from the demands of family life where many have completely lost themselves in the blissful haze of child-rearing - only to realise that they have completely come to define themselves by their parental status. As beautiful and fulfilling as parenthood may be, we do not own our children nor can they serve as a valid substitute for our individual desires and aspirations.
Stress and mental health issues are on the rise right across the board, male and female, young and old, gay, straight or trans - and there's no shortage of medication which while offering much-needed support to many, can also have a massive impact on sex drive, libido and general health.
And of course, we all have insecurities to deal with. A quick scroll through social media amidst the Kim Kardashian clones provides a daily dose of confidence destroying self-loathing as we apathetically pinch and prod at the extra pounds accumulating around our waistline symbolic of a sedentary lifestyle.
Then there's the huge elephant in the room called porn. According to studies, porn has a lot to answer for from apparent addiction and misogynistic perceptions of sex to low libido, erectile dysfunction and decreased birth rates. Personally, I'm not convinced porn is the bane of all evil but it is definitely cited as one of the main causes when it comes to the lack of intimacy.
Let's not forget the dating apps that allow you to mindlessly swipe away with no intention of striking up a decent conversation that may lead to an actual real-life interaction with a real human being.
Do you know that according to recent studies, there are a number of men who are terrified to approach a woman in public and ask her out on a date fearing a 'metoo' inditement of sexual harassment? Apparently, we can't tell the difference between "grabbing them by the pussy" and simply doing what should come naturally to most red-blooded males when we fancy a woman such as inviting her out for a drink.
I could go on from performance anxiety to the distractions of smartphones to never-ending emails and non-stop work commitments, not to mention unhealthy diets saturated with junk food, alcohol and cigarettes. But so what? Is sex really that important? Do we place too much emphasis on it?
No, I think that's an easy and convenient response used to avoid addressing an important issue and I'll tell you why.
As a species, we are sexual creatures by nature, it's how we bond and is a fundamental ingredient when it comes to building intimate relationships.
Like it or not, a woman's sexuality is her superpower. One only has to recall the exploits of Cleopatra along with a million other tales, woeful or otherwise of man's inability to resist the potent allure of a woman's sexual prowess.
Divorce courts are filled with couples who haven't had sex in years and exist more as co-inhabitants and roomies amidst the drudgery of what we've been conditioned to call 'life'.
Sex is not just a physical act, it is a state of being. It permeates every aspect of our lives and the irony is that most of what we strive for in terms of success is in one way or another related to our ability to attract and keep a mate.
Some might argue that they can achieve complete happiness without sex being a major factor which I'm sure is true for some, but how many come to this conclusion after having experienced genuine sexual satisfaction? I think the majority in this camp reside there out of resignation or withdrawal due to unresolved negative sexual experiences.
In other words, all things being equal, I believe the majority of the population would prefer the heady excitement of sexual satisfaction as opposed to forced celibacy. The issue is that while sex is literally being rammed down our throats all day long in adverts and movies, music and social media, good quality mind-blowing sex is increasingly difficult to find.
So What's The Solution?
New couples are well known for being at it constantly, especially younger couples but it's widely accepted that as relationships mature, sexual desire naturally declines.
Our sex life is often a direct reflection of our lifestyle and just as it's necessary to work out and eat healthy to achieve a fit and well-toned body, it's also necessary to work on our sex life if we wish to remain active and satisfied.
As obvious as it may seem, most of us assume that having sex on a regular basis constitutes a healthy sex life. I suspect many reading this will no doubt agree, regular sex and good sex are not mutually exclusive. In fact, the more often we have sex, the more likely we are to slip into the same routine.
The same 5 minutes of fourplay, the same roll on and roll off, the same tried and tested thrusting in the blind hope of squeezing out an orgasm if your partner can last long enough. This is 'sex-by-numbers' but for some, it would actually be a vast improvement as erectile dysfunction affects an increasing number of men young and old. Not to mention the many health issues that women face such as low estrogen levels that can lead to a loss of libido.
However, this is not the case for everyone. There is a small minority of people who view their sexuality as an integral part of their lives and as such, they nurture and cultivate sexual desire and their ability to please themselves and their partners well into their 70's and 80's and even older.
This is about a complete shift in mindset from one of viewing sexuality as something to take out of a box on a Saturday night after the third glass of wine to something that is a way of life that can completely fill you with energy and feelings of bliss that reside deep within. And Tantric practitioners have been cultivating and embracing this sexual energy for over 5,000 years.
One of the ways I nurture my own sexuality on a daily basis is by gently stroking my dick (Lingham) as I moisturise my entire body after a hot morning shower. I often lay on my bed and stroke my dick whilst breathing deeply without releasing my orgasm. I'll be hard and the tip of my cock would be wet. I'll be moaning and gyrating as involuntary spasms take over and then I channel the sensation all over. My goal isn't to orgasm, I do it because it feels sexy as fuck and it energises me for the day ahead. Try it yourself for 5 days and you'll see what I mean.
This simple act of self-love nurtures my sexuality and makes me want to share it with the women in my life. I'm not reliant on them to make me feel sexy although they definitely add another level of intensity that I love. When we fuck it's more about embracing each other and connecting as opposed to trying to achieve an orgasm. An orgasm should be a result of being so turned on that your mind simply can't contain all the sensations pulsating through your body.
But none of this matters if we don't take time to reevaluate our overly stressed, always too busy, constantly-on-the-go lifestyles. We all have different responsibilities and commitments but if the way we're living doesn't provide genuine satisfaction, sexual or otherwise then we need to address the imbalance.
Sexual satisfaction should be just as much of a priority for a happy life as securing that new promotion at work, getting a bigger house, holidaying three times a year and driving a nice car. But unless we make a conscious effort to develop our sex lives on a long term basis, it will often fizzle out as the demands of modern-day life takes its toll.
Developing a healthy sex life requires one to take stock of their entire lifestyle from the food they eat to their sleeping habits, to reducing stress and resolving relationship issues, to dealing with insecurities be it physical, mental or spiritual.
The path of longterm sexual development and enlightenment is not for everyone. It's about rethinking the role we want sex to play in our lives and which partners will be able to help us achieve that. Like anything of value, it requires time and commitment; fortunately, I can think of very few activities that can provide so much satisfaction.
Peace and Love,
Interview: Sex Magic With Amber LeitzAudiobook:
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