Ego is not a friend in the bedroom because it seldom likes to be corrected or critiqued and has its own agenda which is usually focused on personal gain and self-aggrandisement. Hence the mindset that produces terms like 'get your leg over', 'get some ass', 'score', 'home run', 'touch down', 'plant the flag', 'beat it', 'iron her out', the list goes on, literally.
I'm not saying there's anything necessarily wrong with these terms but as you'll notice, they all relate to acquisition and conquest. Not to mention a certain level of immaturity that prefers to make a joke of sex in order to avoid adult conversations with real accountability for pleasing a partner.
Of course, sex should be fun and enjoyable but when innuendos and Donald Trump style 'locker room talk' and bravado is used to hide our insecurities, it becomes yet another mask that we put on to avoid confronting the truth about our unevolved attitudes towards sex and sexuality.
It's not my intention to tar my entire gender with the same brush, on the contrary, our views on sexuality come in many shades of nuances which present even more of a quagmire when it comes to understanding the prevailing mindset at play.
Take a well educated, open-minded, extremely well read, good-natured, alpha male in his late 30's - one of my closest friends in fact. During one of our random conversations that didn't include 'football', 'the pub' or 'video games' (although yes I am a gamer;) I posed a question based on a post I wrote a few days ago titled
"How To Get What You Want From A Man" referencing this excerpt...
"She's fully aware of his intentions but wants to know if their desires are aligned and how willing and capable he is of delivering. She lets him know what her expectations are in terms of sexual pleasure, what she is prepared to bring to the table and also where her boundaries lie. Putting the giggles and laughter aside for a moment, she communicates this clearly in a manner that says - if you're not able to meet my expectations and are indeed full of shit, now is the time to let me know because I won't spare your ego."
My friend's response was one of mild disgust as he instantly called her integrity and self-respect into question because this was not the type of forthright behaviour he would expect from a proper lady. I then expanded the conversation by asking him would he prefer a woman who knew what she wanted and was good in bed to which he replied "Yes".
My next question was "well how do you think she got that way?". He was smart enough to recognise his own social conditioning working its magic and he was honest enough to admit that his views were based on ego, insecurity and the need to control. Never the less, there was a certain level of resignation to the fact that he didn't feel the need to or perhaps wasn't quite ready to rewire his counter-productive programming.
As mentioned previously, this particular friend was far above average intelligence and had the ability to reflect on his thoughts and apply a level of honesty and objectivity. Based on my experience I would posit that my friend is in the minority as most would be too heavily invested in their ego to even recognise, much less admit the counterproductive nature of how we view and judge women in society.
To reiterate the main point being made by the piece I referenced; the answer to why so many women are unsatisfied sexually is not simply due to men not understanding what they want, it's also down to the fact that we have a different list of biological and psychological sexual priorities and a lot of it is rooted in ego, insecurity and survival.
The other day a client remarked to me that "surely it must feel great having women pay you for sex" - I get this a lot. Of course, the reality of my work does not escape me and I am very fortunate to be able to earn a living from what I do.
However, the fact that women are prepared to pay me for sex is not an ego boost because there's very little substance to be gained from it beyond bragging rights and bravado. I appreciate compliments and kind words but if my self-worth was heavily impacted by praise or condemnation, I'd be subject to the emotions and opinions of others which can be fleeting, misplaced, unfounded or all of the above.
Ironically, I'm not comfortable with the idea of relying on the admiration of others in order for me to justify my belief in my sexual ability but this in itself is driven by ego.
What I am concerned with is am I giving my clients the experience they crave? Am I helping them to explore their sexuality in the way they want? Am I adding genuine value to their lives? Am I walking my own path, being true to myself and doing what pleases me sexually beyond monetary gain?
The answer to these questions are often unquantifiable because how do you put a price on the feeling of deep satisfaction that you haven't felt in years? How do you quantify the intense feeling of arousal that causes your knickers to be soaking at the slightest thought of the night before?
It would be disingenuous for me to imply that my ego doesn't heavily impact the way I view sexuality but as I mentioned previously, ego is not inherently good or bad, but it is focused on self. The question for me is does my ego add value to the lives of others whilst serving myself or in spite of it?
As a woman, it's not your job to educate men on how to be better more considerate lovers but it is your responsibility to take a more honest, upfront and calculated approach when it comes to ensuring your sexual satisfaction. You can read more about that here.
In the interest of honest and robust discourse, I do feel that 'ego' has been given a bad rap. We all have one and it's not inherently good or bad, it is what we make it.
According to the Cambridge English Dictionary. Ego is YOUR idea or opinion of YOURself, especially YOUR feeling of YOUR own importance and ability. A perfectly acceptable sidekick for one's personality, a necessity in fact. So why does ego so often go wrong in the bedroom?
Now, of course, there is a time and place for ego, especially when someone is trying to put you down and make you feel less of a person. That's the time your ego should be there to back you up and address the situation but looking at the dictionary definition, it's all about self. It's completely focused on personal gain - and when it comes to pleasing a partner, that can be a problem.
There are a million books out there that can teach us how to be better at pleasing our partners (here's one I wrote earlier) but in reality, it's all pointless if there isn't a complete 180-degree turn on the self-centred hunter-gather mindset focused on conquest.
A very simple rule of thumb that has always served me well is to focus more on her pleasure than my own. This does a few things, firstly it instantly makes a man much better in bed because he's focused on giving, whilst still receiving by default.
Secondly, it's easier for a man to control his ejaculation and last much longer because we're less likely to get over excited like a Jack Russle humping a sofa. (3-4 hours of hot sweaty passionate sex is not a myth, it's a mindset.)
Lastly, and probably the most important is adopting a student's mindset. That really is the key, especially in an age where everyone is an expert about everything but in reality, we're not - no one is.
I've had instances in both my personal and professional life where things have not gone to plan and I know I haven't pleased my partners in the way I want to. Ego doesn't handle these instances very well because it feels under attack and instinctively wants to defend and deflect which I myself have been guilty of on more than a few occasions.
But once we move past ego and adopt a student's mindset, the main concern is understanding why, what, where and how to move forward. This is where objectivity comes in coupled with the understanding that we are not our ego or even our mind for that matter.
I've found so much value in these nuggets of wisdom and I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn from them. There's an old African saying that goes like this... "everyone is a teacher" which means that there is a lesson to be learnt in any situation.
I have an ego, just like everyone else, but I try to make a conscious effort not to buy into the fallacy of hubris and I am quick to check myself if I do. Here's a saying of my own - "the student becomes wise, while the master becomes old." I'm not quite sure how many people how to say it before it officially qualifies as a 'saying' but make of it what you will.
Peace and Love,
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