I haven't posted in a while as I've been really busy but I do have a very special piece to share with you today. I was fortunate enough to catch up with Shashi Solluna, a Tantric Sex Coach for an intimate interview about how we could all become better lovers. I have learnt so much from her and others in this space and I wanted to share some of her wisdom with you. I hope you enjoy!
Shashi, can you tell me a little about your self and how you got started on your tantric path?
Sure, I'm Shashi Solluna, a Tantric Facilitator and Coach. I'm passionate about the journey of embodied awakening, especially in the areas of sex, love and intimacy.
When I first went on a spiritual quest, I found non-dual "enlightenment" and thought that I was "complete" on my journey at the age of 21!
However, I soon began to realize that I had skipped over my personal healing, including communication skills, trauma-healing, deconditioning, shadow work, sexual awakening, intimacy and other aspects of personal transformation.
In short, I had bypassed the personal in my hurry to reach transcendence. But as soon as I entered a relationship, I realized that my "enlightenment" was incomplete. I needed to embody that "Higher Truth" and to unite my persona self with my higher self in order to become fully authentic.
That realization was the start of a journey to discover Tantra, Tao and relationship tools that would end up becoming my life path. After many years of dedication on this path, I now teach Tantra to women and couples around the world and online. I share ancient tools from the Tao Tantric Arts that empower you to awaken sexual energy and use it for bringing more vitality, creativity, love and consciousness into your life and your relationship.
Q. What do you think are the most important traits for a man to possess when it comes to pleasing a woman sexually/mentally?
The skill of listening. A great lover is not simply in their own head, following their own plan or applying techniques to a woman's body mechanically. The great lover listens to her body. To her breath. To her sounds. To the trembling of energy moving through her flesh. His actions become a response to that which he hears, rather than his will imposed upon her. This creates safety for her body and her nervous system. It is effortless for her to surrender into deep pleasure because she can feel him feeling into her.
It is the same when pleasuring a woman mentally and emotionally. Can he truly listen to her without becoming brittle with his own defensiveness? Can he hear her, even when she is apparently upset with him, and hear her pain and her sensations, without switching into his own perspective and starting to justify himself? Or deny? Can he hear her and feel the flow of energy and emotions as life, pure life, neither wrong nor right, good or bad, just life?
Q. What advice would you give to men who are interested in sexual development?
Start some body-based practices that encourage a deep listening into their own body. This might be qigong, ecstatic dance, a deep reflective yoga class. The first step is to move one's body and listen to the inner changes. Listen to the breath shifting, the sensations in the body. In this way, a man starts to develop his sensitivity to his own energy body, which later makes it easier for him to feel into his lover. The key in these practices is not the external movements, but pausing after each movement to listen within.
Stage 2 would be to find practices that involve contact, but non-sexual. This should only be taken on once the man has developed a deep connection to his inner senses. Contact dance, massage, partner dancing and so on...the more "conscious" the better...and by that I mean with more awareness guided by the facilitator into the inner state as you connect.
Stage 3 would be to activate the energy body. Which could be through qigong, kundalini yoga, tantric yoga or kundalini practices in Tantra.
Stage 4 - ready for exploring some sexual arts in a Tantra or Taoist Sexual Arts workshop.
Meanwhile, back away from porn. It is predominantly a male-centric product, and thus reinforces a man to treat a woman as an object of HIS desire, with no awareness of her experience. Instead, start a self-pleasure practice in which you send more awareness on your sensations in your body and your breath and less on fantasy or imagery. It is a shift from an external feminine to your inner feminine, awakening your energy and activating deeper pleasure. This will affect your lovemaking tremendously.
Q. What advice would you give to couples who are looking to take their lovemaking to the next level?
Keep exploring! Couples tend to fall into entropy...just doing the same thing over and over until it gets boring! Think of your lovemaking like making music. How can you keep expanding your repertoire?
In Tantra, for example, we look at many elements of sexuality, inspired by nature: You can have earthy physical sex, watery sensual sex, fiery energetic sex, airy loving sex and ethereal mind-expanding sex. Couples can practice exercises and rituals together as well as just love making. They can learn sensual and tantric massage.
They can go on couples retreat in stunning locations to boost their relationship. Keep expanding, learning and growing.
Q. What advice would you give regarding self-pleasure/masturbation?
Self-pleasure generates a lot of energy. Most of us are taught to direct that energy externally...to someone we fantasize about, or a porn actress. We are also taught to reach the goal of peak orgasm/ejaculation. Thus we empty out our energy, and we give it away to another. If you give away your energy you are also giving away your power. You may even start to resent or hate the very person you fantasize about because you feel how you give your power away to them.
A huge shift is to move to self-pleasure a meditation. Instead of directing the mind to fantasy or imagery, you direct it to the sensations. How does it actually feel in your body as you rub oil up and down your shaft? Or run your fingers along your labia?.
To really feel the sensations, we have to slow down a bit so we can have time to really feel. We will need to deepen the breath to make space for the sensations. If you start to gently sigh with each exhale, then you can even start to feel energy running in your body.
Drop the goal of the peak orgasm. Your goal becomes to be present with each moment and deepen into the pleasure. In fact, it all becomes more about pleasure and less about release. At some moment, instead of releasing the energy out of your body, you will find that it surges upward through your entire body like a huge orgasmic wave.
Q. What area of sexuality do you see women struggle with and how can we as men better support them?
Most women have not really found their true pleasure. Because many of us learned from porn, a woman is "done to" instead of "felt" into. She quickly learns to allow or tolerate penetration...she often has no idea what it even feels like to be arching back in immense pleasure and demanding the man to enter her.
Most women have no idea that even exists. They endure. Many have babies and then say "thank god now I can avoid sex...what a relief". This is a tragedy, as women actually have an incredible capacity for mind-blowing pleasure that can even carry both partners into existential states of bliss and spiritual experiences during lovemaking.
Q. So how can we help her?
First comes the healing. Her whole sexual system is most likely contracted in resistance, after years of allowing. So we need to de-armour her. This can be done professionally, or the lover can learn. It might start with just placing a hand over her sex center and holding still, encouraging her to breathe and sigh and feel. Asking her to speak out any sensations she feels.
This meditation is powerful beyond belief. Then he might start slow gentle touch or light pressure, and then pausing and have her return to her breathing and sounding or describing. Bit by bit, we make it safe for the sex center to relax again...it starts feeling "Oh I am safe...he is not going to force anything on me..." and then the relaxation slowly starts, Emotions may flow...tears of years of built up hardness and protection.
The walls come down. Pleasure lies closely behind the pain that is released. She starts to feel again. She starts to come alive. Her sex comes alive. This whole attitude can then be taken into lovemaking and by listening to her relaxation and expansion, he can make sure if she contracts he just holds still and stays present with her. Once she relaxes again, he continues to make love. This ensures she stays open and sex can become pleasurable once more.
Q. How important is a spiritual connection with your partner and why?
We might start with a spiritual connection; maybe we both found a divine connection through some pathway or practice and so when we come together we share spiritual perspective. But in Tantra, it's not necessary to come with that. You can come just with human desire and attraction, but with an openness to finding love and spirit.
For if you start to truly make love, then the energies will start to crack open both of your hearts. The energies will start to rise and take you into transcendental states. And THIS discovery of higher states together during lovemaking is incredibly intimate and connecting.
You are more than two physical bodies connecting. You are two hearts beating together. You are two souls merging together and you are merging with the entire cosmos, remembering your place of intern connectedness with the whole universe. Your sex becomes your prayer. Your orgasm is the movement of the Divine. You have no doubt whatsoever as you have a full-bodied experience of divinity, looking into each other's eyes, and knowing the ultimate truth of existence.
Q. Can you describe your most intense orgasmic experience?
I have had many. But I would like to describe a cervical orgasm with a man I loved very dearly. We were in our campervan in the forest, making love continuously... only pausing for toilet breaks or nourishment. Energy was flowing between us like a river. This man could hold space for me completely. No matter what I shared or expressed or emoted, he was there...seeing me, holding me, loving me. I felt so held and safe in his presence.
We were in a lovemaking session in which orgasms were cascading like huge waves up our bodies...rippling rippling rippling, This lover was extremely sensitive He could feel my energy even with his hand on my sacrum. His touch on my labia was like being played by a musician. He always took me deeper into bliss rather than into climax.
He had entered my body and it felt as if he was penetrating me with light, pushing the light exactly where I needed it in order to open up. The orgasms were getting stronger and stronger, and I was relaxing my body open to making space for the energy. I was surrendering to the energy completely overtaking my being so that my personality-self was dissolving into the waves of bliss.
And then suddenly...BOOM! Something happened. I felt a potential so big that it felt that it would kill me completely. I knew it would destroy all that I knew to be me.
I went suddenly into resistance, ready to push him away from me and off me.
But he looked into my eyes...so deep into my eyes...and he radiated a love so complete. And I knew that I could surrender to that love, that I could DIE to that love.
That I could let go of everything and yet this love would hold me.
And so in that moment, I let go.
And OH MY GOD there are not words.
An energy, beyond the word pleasure, yet the most pleasurable sensation of all time...a tsunami of energy that killed that last piece of me, washing away all my control, all my will and all my separateness from the universe... all gone. My womb was pulsing, the whole thing...throbbing with pleasure-beyond-pleasure. I saw a ring of hot red energy around the cervix and it shot upwards through my core to my crown, illuminating my whole head into radiant light.
Everything was light. I saw reality as it truly is. What is normally hidden beneath form... only light. The colour of goodness. I recognised it... it was like falling in love with my source and returning home.
And we were still making love... together we were riding these tremendous waves so so much bigger than us. Both of us completely taken over by divinity. Looking into each other's eyes... we were one and we were two. Oneness seeing itself. Only love was.
The lovemaking was wild and dynamic, moving our bodies in ways we could not do alone. Both of us being tossed on the waves of Existence. The pleasure of God unfolding as love.
Q. What is your view on sexual transmutation and how could this enrich your life?
Sexual Transmutation is about transforming the heavier sexual energy into love and light and higher more refined energies. It can be done intentionally, or even happen spontaneously.
When we start to practice this, it changes not only ur sex but our entire life. One of the most powerful shifts in our energy. Because we no longer stagnate energy in the sex or lose it eternally, we start to build up energy within. We become alive as we have never known. It's as if we become animated by life force. People who work with sexual energy in this way look radiant, instead of dull. It affects your whole life.
You start to live your purpose. Your life falls into a divine unfolding and a harmonious flow. Your health improves. You become your true self, embodied... you become who you're supposed to be instead of a puppet of what you think you should be. The spontaneous self awakens. You start to become what you came here to be.
...and full body orgasm is the path to this awakening...
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and your energy Shashi, I really appreciate it and I look forward to seeing you again.
How sexual penetration impact our energy as woman - Shashi Solluna
To learn more about Shashi's Tantric practice here.
If you'd like me to guide you by the hand and take you on an intense orgasmic journey, have a listen to my Dark Hypno Orgasmic experience.
More podcasts available here.
Peace and love,