The private affairs of Husbands and Wives is not something that I tend to discuss very often. But given the response to a recent article in The Times regarding the service that I provide as a high-class male escort, I thought I'd address a few assumptions that I read in the comment section.
With such a vast topic layered with nuance upon nuance, it's probably best to focus on some of the key issues that I most often come across.
Assumption #1. Women who spend time with me must be unhappy in their relationship
This simply isn't true. The confusion lies in the assumption that because one partner may look to a 3rd party for the fulfilment of a particular desire, this automatically equates to an unhappy relationship.
One only has to look at the many polyamorous relationships that involve committed long term partners who acknowledge that no one individual should necessarily be obligated to fulfil every need.
Lifestyles and desires change and partners may find that there are areas of their relationship where their paths diverge. Does this mean that the entire relationship should end up in the bin?
Suppose one partner has a deep yearning for a BDSM experience but the other is simply not into it? Should one be made to suppress these desires or the other made to feel guilty for not fulfilling them?
Once we move beyond our need for a monopoly on a partner's affection, we realise that it is actually possible for a partner to be perfectly accepting of the others desire to be intimate with someone else without it threatening their relationship.
Many relationships are built on this principle so clearly, the assumption that one should rely exclusively on their partner to have all their needs met doesn't hold up to scrutiny. These are opinions based on traditions that some choose to adhere to, and other's don't.
Relationship types are as varied as they are numerous so it's important to keep an open mind and not rush to judgment.
Assumption #2. I am taking advantage of women's loneliness
This is a fairly common misconception but I think it's an unfair accusation fueled by a loathing for my profession. I say this because the same accusation could be levelled at Match.com, eHarmony, Tinder, PlentyOfFish and a million other dating sites.
How many other industries target people's insecurities and fears with empty promises. From beauty and fashion to health and fitness, you can apply the same logic right across the board.
The real issue is whether these businesses actually provide a service that adds value to the lives of those who engage with them. I think it's better to judge the service being provided based on its individual merit rather than allowing prejudices to tar everything with the same brush.
Assumption #3. You can't pay someone for sex and feel genuine emotion for them
This is where it gets really interesting! This is one that I hear all the time but again it's simply not true. I can't speak for others in my profession but I enjoy very close relationships with many of my clients who are more than happy with our financial arrangement.
I'm not suggesting that I fulfil the role of a boyfriend because it's a very different dynamic. However, if I spend a significant amount of time with a woman in some of the most intimate settings, it's hard not to develop genuine feelings.
Many sex workers turn off their emotions in order to protect their feelings but due to the nature of the service that I provide, this wouldn't work for me.
In fact, I feel it would be counter-productive because a lot of what I do requires trust and a genuine connection. I'm not saying it's always easy to maintain the perfect balance of emotion and professionalism but navigating this is often where a lot of the magic takes place.
Assumption #4. There is little or no regard for the husband or boyfriend
I can't speak for anyone else but for me, this is again not true and I'll tell you why. The type of experiences that I provide often require a relatively high level of emotional investment from both myself and a client. If there are too many unresolved issues in a client's life with a partner it's likely to have a negative impact on our interaction and I've experienced this first hand.
So much so that there have been occasions where I've had to turn down bookings because I know the client has too many unresolved issues going on in her life for us to be able to engage in any meaningful way.
Some may think this is bad business or an attempt to take the moral high ground but actually, my reasons are not entirely altruistic. Yes, I do feel a professional obligation to use good judgment in the interest of my client but I'm also very conscious of the energy that I allow into my own life.
I'm not one for drama and I can definitely do without a bunch of angry husbands and boyfriends stalking me.
Assumption #5. Women who hire escorts must be desperate
This is an interesting assumption because it really doesn't hold any weight. We all know that the average woman can go into pretty much any bar on a Friday night and find a man who's willing to sleep with her.
Most women are keenly aware of this from very early on in life and I think it's something that we men overlook. As men, our reality is usually very different because we are hard-wired to want to sleep with multiple women and in truth, we're often only as faithful as our options permit.
Women, on the other hand, tend to be a lot more considered when it comes to choosing a partner and for good reason too. There's a lot more risk involved and again this is hard-wired and any evolutionary psychologist will tell you the same thing.
The women I meet are usually at a place in life where they simply want to be able to get what they want, how they want it, when they want and without all the usual drama and disappointment that they often experience on the dating scene.
Any man who takes the time to invest in learning how to please a woman will soon realise that this is not what most women are accustomed to. And in this day and age, if you can hire personal trainers to help you get fit and pay beauty therapists to help you look good, what's wrong with paying an escort to help you feel good too?
There are many more assumptions that I could list but I feel the fundamental principles are the same. Many of the views we hold are a result of social conditioning that often goes unchallenged. But when we take a moment to think about things from a different perspective, we soon realise that nothing is black and white.
We live in a world shaped by groups and institutions who all have an agenda. Sexuality has been used as a weapon of control and repression since time immemorial and that's unlikely to change anytime soon.
So should we continue to allow others to dictate what is 'right and proper' or should we allow ourselves the gift of independent thought. I for one choose the latter and embrace the idea of each to their own. Far be it for me to judge what consenting adults choose to do behind closed doors.
Peace, love & great sex.