Dissatisfaction, Taboos and Uncomfortable Truths
One of the beautiful things about the anonymity of the internet is that it really does capture the zeitgeist of our times. It acts as a truth serum for the army of keyboard warriors who'd otherwise continue to mumble under their breath in secrecy.
When it comes to polarising and divisive topics, sex sits right up there with the likes of war, politics and religion. Pretty much all facets of life are impacted by our views on sexuality and the attempts of those who wish to control it.
In a recent interview with The Times regarding the services that I provide to women, I seem to have awoken a hornet's nest that hums with undertones of insecurity and bigotry.
As I scanned the comments section I came across all manner of accusation from immoral earnings and Amazon-style tax "avoidance" to abuse and exploitation of women. Despite the fact that what I do is completely consensual and fully legal, and the fact that I'm on very good terms with the tax man, the level of narrow mindedness was really amusing.
Not surprising, most of the comments appear to be posted by men who seem to be way too invested in the affairs of little old me but women were just as eager to voice their disgust - honestly, Traffic Wardens get more love. Have a read for yourself...
Interestingly enough most didn't seem to pick up on the main crux of the article. The only reason why I'm able to do this job is due to the fact that the women I meet are simply not satisfied and have decided to do something about it - How dare they!
I'm no stranger to insecure men feeling threatened by someone who invests the time to learn how to please women (the ego is a fragile beast) but their energy is misdirected. Instead of heaping moral condemnation upon me, perhaps it might be more productive to focus on what so many men are doing wrong.
Bottom line is that most of us are so selfish and occupied with our own pursuit of pleasure that pleasing a partner becomes a means to an end - especially in long term relationships. If you doubt this, gather a group of women in a room and ask them how many times their partner has ejaculated and given up the ghost before she's even gotten out of second gear. We all know the answer and I've been guilty of this myself in the past.
This is a symptom of a mindset that's all too prevalent within our society that sees sex as a reward. Something to be conquered and obtained in order to feed the primitive mind that appears to short-circuit once the main objective has been achieved.
I think women have their part to play in this as well because many are overly reliant on a partner to help them explore their own sexuality. In truth, we are the only ones responsible for our sexual gratification and if we choose to accept something that doesn't fulfil us, that's on us - not a partner. In reality, they owe us nothing and if they are of this mindset, who are we to demand otherwise.
I'm fully aware that my job title alone is enough to evoke serious emotion in others but that's for them to reconcile, not me. People project thoughts and feelings on others all the time but it's our responsibility to decide what works for us. However, in this line of work, if you don't know yourself and the value of what you bring to the table, you'll inevitably end up internalising the fears and insecurities of others.
Conversely, if you believe in what you're doing, you'll be able to appreciate and learn from views and opinions of others good, bad or indifferent. In fact, opposing views should always be welcome, especially if we strongly disagree. Clearly, all the years of sweeping important issues under the carpet has resulted in an uneven landscape peppered with intolerance.
I've never subscribed to the usual prudish mentality that views sex and sexuality as something to be spoken about in hushed tones. So when I get approached to do interviews by the likes of ITV, the Beeb and others, part of me thinks what's all the fuss about but obviously, I get it.
The attitude towards myself and others in the sex industry serves as a stark reminder that regardless of how open-minded and accepting we profess to be as a society, deep down, we're far from it. From topics such as race and class to terrorism and immigration, most of society is so indoctrinated that the ability for rational and independent thought is almost non-existent.
I often get asked how I started in this line of work and what was different about my approach to that of my peers. If I'm honest, it took me many years to figure it out because it wasn't apparent to me at the time. I have come to the conclusion that the fundamental difference between a man who really knows how to please a woman and a man who doesn't, is their desire to please and the ability to operate beyond the realm of ego.
Ego and insecurity are fed by unrealistic and unhealthy perceptions of male sexuality and masculinity. Many of us are not comfortable admitting to ourselves and our partners that we may lack the skills required to please them in a certain way. More importantly, we're not comfortable asking for help and investing the time to learn. This was never something that I had an issue with and it's the reason why I still have a students mindset 20 years on.
I always talk about taking the time to explore your partner which is just as much about learning as it is about enjoyment. In a recent post that I wrote titled "Communication is Sexy", I refer to the ability to communicate openly about your insecurities and desires without judgment. This type of communication can't exist within an egoic mindset because one exists to preserve self-image, whilst the other exists to evolve it.
If a topic such as sex work stirs up all this emotion and negativity, one really ought to look at the underlying issues regarding societies repressive views on sexuality that creates a desire for people like myself in the first place.
To summarise my thoughts on this topic, I shall refer to one of my all-time favourite quotes from a very popular storybook.
"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own?" - Matthew 7:3
Ps. And for the record, I happily accept online payments too!
Peace and Love,